Okay. It's time.
Say you have kids, right? And your kids grow up. You love them, and nurture them, and they become good people and get married, have jobs, have kids. Yadda yadda.
When your kids have kids, don't you go visit them?
Do any of my readers find it really, really odd that my mother has STILL not come to meet her grandson? That she continually asks me when I'm going to bring him up to Canada, as though that would be easier than her coming here?
I'm writing about this for the first time, because it's been bothering me for - well, 5 months now. Here goes.
Mom, you didn't come for my delivery even though I wanted you there. You didn't come for the days and weeks after Ronan was born even though I
needed you there. And even though it breaks my heart that you don't seem to have the desire to come here and visit, you always act like it's no big deal. I wish you could see how often I cry about it. I wish you understood how awful it makes me feel that we seem to matter so little to you. Every time you mention how amazing Skype is because it feels like you're here - you're wrong. It DOESN'T feel like you're here. It feels like you're thousands of miles away, with no desire to be here. I know in your heart that we matter, it just doesn't feel that way.
I can't figure it out. I don't know what I did wrong last time you came to make you not want to come back. I know money isn't a concern, otherwise you wouldn't continually offer to buy the tickets for the three of us to fly North. I
know you can get your passport. I'm SURE that Justin wouldn't mind if you took a 3 or 4 day trip, and would STILL let you go to Vegas, so it's not really that. Is it the flying? Or something that happened at the wedding? Do you just never want to come here again?
You have no idea what you're missing, mum. He's so amazing. He's so amazing, and you get to see fifteen minutes of it a week! You haven't gotten to hold him, and look into his amazing blue eyes. You haven't gotten to smell him after a bath. You haven't gotten to rock him to sleep, and feel his trust and love for you. Mom, I want you to meet him so bad, and I hate that you don't want it back. I hate it, I hate it. I want you to see how excited he is when he figures something out! I want you to see your daughter with her son, and tell me I'm a good mom. I want to sit and talk to you for hours and hours, and ignore the rest of the world. I want my mom to want to be here.
I don't know if you read my Xanga. I don't know when you'll read this. I hope it makes you cry, because I can't stop crying about it. I'm tired of pretending it's okay with me... it's not okay with me.
I love you. I love you SO much. I need you all the time. You are so important to me, and matter so much in my life, and I want you here. Everyone keeps telling me I should stop talking to you, and tell you that you wont get to see him until you come visit. I don't want that, I can't just stop talking to you. I can't be mad at you. I can't hate you. But there has to be some way to make this work. Please, can we make it work?
I made this post private, as I didn't want my mum to read it before I had a chance to talk to her or my dad. However, it's too important to me to just delete it, so now I'm making it public again.
Comments (7)
Wow. I really hope that your mom reads this. I can't imagine not having my mother here. She lives about two minutes away, and I guess I take that for grantid. I'm sure you mom doesn't mean to hurt your feelings. Maybe she is completely oblivious to the fact that we all need our mothers when we have babies. I remember Kailyn crying one night, and I just could not get her to stop crying. I did everything and anything to get her to stop, and she wouldn't. I called my mom. She was there five minutes later, and Kailyn stopped crying when my mom held her in her arms. I can't imagine not having my mom there! Your mom needs to come! I'm sure it is hard work to get a passport, fly to you and everything. However, a trip with an infant is 10x harder. I've done it, and it's not fun. Anyways, I hope your mom reads this. I know if my daughter felt this way, I would want to.
Awww...I hope your mom doesn't take this to harshly.
oh feck. i so bawld.
why?
Because, it reminded me of something....How hard it is to be a Momma. Any kinda Momma...one with a new baby, or one who's children have grown up and have lives of their own.
One thing that I learned, years ago, from one of my favourite people, who just so happen's NOT to be my Momma....is that, no matter what we do, how hard we try....we can NEVER meet ALL off the need's of our children.
I'm not 'excusing' what she has or hasn't done...I'm just sayin...she probably cries about it too. I betcha she feel's like a bigger ass than you think.
This will be so good for both of you...for her to read, and for you to let go of. She'll recover, and so will u.
btw, he IS the cutest baby EVER!
Okay, my turn.
I don't tell you to feed Ronan for Ronan. I want so much for you to get 8 hours of sleep while you can. And as we talked about only a blind person (or a stupid one) would think he needs more than what he is getting. I hate seeing you so tired all the time. I don't know how to answer this blog though. Do I not want to be there? Well hell of course I want to be there. Do I have a passport? That's being taken care of tomorrow. From there we will see. Never talk to me again???!!!!! Well that would about destroy me. As for the people telling you that, maybe they should loosen up and see that if that is their way of dealing with problems, they have alot bigger problems than you and I have and I wouldn't want theirs for anything. I will be there, maybe not as soon as you or I would like, but I will be there. And once I do, I'm sure you will find that you will be eager for me to leave and go back home.lol, well, maybe a little. Dad and I talk all the time about when we retire how we are going to buy a motorhome and park in your driveway six months of every year. So, how about that for future plans. Brock will be the one then with horror in-law stories. Dad will teach Ronan how to be grumpy and I will spoil him rotten and spoon feed him until he is 12!! Just kidding about the spoon feeding ! Right now, I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. Work, okay, so I work too much. I guess that comes from having a boss who is never there and feeling that 60 people need someone they can depend on to be there. That's me. When I'm not there, they have no one to turn to and I guess I need to be there for them.. I'm sorry I should be there for YOU more. Dad is pissed at me right now because I didn't make it home to pick him up and take him for lunch. Yeah, terrible me, I didn't get home until 5.30 and he didn't bother to eat cause, we just because I guess. So, no pressure there either. Let's go for dinner then right? It's the right time, no no, (dad) I can take care of myself dont worry about dinner. Hey, then skype with Mandy, good stuff ! whoops! more hurt , more anger, more why can't you be here. Tonight I feel like a total failure, wife, mother, boss, oh yeah, did I mention my LMO application for one of my foreign workers was denied and I had to hold her for 2 hours while she cried cause she didn't want to go back to the Phillipines??? Or that I had to fire a waitress last night and had to try to tell her why her other boss (not me) was letting her go.......Tomorrow will be better.. I DO LOVE YOU. NOT A DAY GOES BY THAT I DON'T THINK ABOUT YOU AND BROCK AND RONAN. AND TO BE THERE WITH YOU WOULD BE HEAVEN FOR 3 DAYS OR 3 WEEKS. I CAN ONLY SAY, DON'T GIVE UP ON ME. I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN . I WILL BE THERE AS SOON AS I CAN . YOUR BLOG DOES HURT BUT IT LET'S ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL AND HOW MUCH YOU CARE! If I could be there in 5 minutes, when you were having a bad day with Ronan, I hope you know I would. I also know that you would hate the interference and want to deal with that your way. Guess I better stop now before I have to register this as a book. Iove you now, love you always..
MOM
I'm sorry that you're hurting so much, but I'm happy to see you wrote it out for your mom to read and she's responded. I hope things work out = )
You wrote what you felt and choose to talk about it with them before posting and there is POWERFULL form of a mature self expression because writing it down getting it out and gain benefits from your story and your thoughts its relieving. Atleast for me it helps I do it all the time. I hope it did for you.