Write write write.

I have so much on my mind right now.  I can't think of a better place to get it out.

We had Ronan's 4 month appointment today.  He's almost 5 months old, but I had to postpone it due to insurance issues.

So the doctor, first off, told me that I have lost too much weight, I'm too thin, and I need to start doing something to calorie load and put some weight back on.  I agree.  Then we got on the topic of sleep, which is a hot topic in the child-care world.  There are so many different schools of thought.  I had read somewhere that exclusively breast-fed babies don't need to eat more than 3-4 ounces per feeding, and it's normal for them to still wake and want to eat all night long.  Today, the pediatrician says that, sure it's normal when you're feeding him that little amount all day long.  He recommended that we up his feedings during the day to 5-6 ounces every 3 to 4 hours, and try to avoid feeding him at night.  He also said there is still no need for solids until 6 months old, which I agree with.

This just means now I have to try to figure things out differently.  Let him eat more, longer at one time, and then try to hold him off until a few hours later before I let him eat again.  I've always believed so strongly in demand-led feeding.  Doc just said, "You can continue doing it your way, he's obviously getting enough nutrition.  However, if you want to start getting sleep at night, you might want to start feeding him more every feeding.  When he wakes up at night, he gets paci, comfort - NO BOOBIE."

Okay.  So we're gonna try that.  Maybe I'll chronicle how it goes here.  Doc said I should be able to get 8 straight hours of sleep without him waking at all.

And now, I have to go EAT something, because I'm too skinny.  And I'm hungry. 

Okay.  It's time.

Say you have kids, right?  And your kids grow up.  You love them, and nurture them, and they become good people and get married, have jobs, have kids.  Yadda yadda.

When your kids have kids, don't you go visit them?


Do any of my readers find it really, really odd that my mother has STILL not come to meet her grandson?  That she continually asks me when I'm going to bring him up to Canada, as though that would be easier than her coming here?

I'm writing about this for the first time, because it's been bothering me for - well, 5 months now.  Here goes.


Mom, you didn't come for my delivery even though I wanted you there.  You didn't come for the days and weeks after Ronan was born even though I needed you there.  And even though it breaks my heart that you don't seem to have the desire to come here and visit, you always act like it's no big deal.  I wish you could see how often I cry about it.  I wish you understood how awful it makes me feel that we seem to matter so little to you.  Every time you mention how amazing Skype is because it feels like you're here - you're wrong.  It DOESN'T feel like you're here.  It feels like you're thousands of miles away, with no desire to be here.  I know in your heart that we matter, it just doesn't feel that way.

I can't figure it out.  I don't know what I did wrong last time you came to make you not want to come back.  I know money isn't a concern, otherwise you wouldn't continually offer to buy the tickets for the three of us to fly North.  I know you can get your passport.  I'm SURE that Justin wouldn't mind if you took a 3 or 4 day trip, and would STILL let you go to Vegas, so it's not really that.  Is it the flying?  Or something that happened at the wedding?  Do you just never want to come here again?

You have no idea what you're missing, mum.  He's so amazing.  He's so amazing, and you get to see fifteen minutes of it a week!  You haven't gotten to hold him, and look into his amazing blue eyes.  You haven't gotten to smell him after a bath.  You haven't gotten to rock him to sleep, and feel his trust and love for you.  Mom, I want you to meet him so bad, and I hate that you don't want it back.  I hate it, I hate it.  I want you to see how excited he is when he figures something out!  I want you to see your daughter with her son, and tell me I'm a good mom.  I want to sit and talk to you for hours and hours, and ignore the rest of the world.  I want my mom to want to be here.

I don't know if you read my Xanga.  I don't know when you'll read this.  I hope it makes you cry, because I can't stop crying about it.  I'm tired of pretending it's okay with me... it's not okay with me.

I love you.  I love you SO much.  I need you all the time.  You are so important to me, and matter so much in my life, and I want you here.  Everyone keeps telling me I should stop talking to you, and tell you that you wont get to see him until you come visit.  I don't want that, I can't just stop talking to you.  I can't be mad at you.  I can't hate you.  But there has to be some way to make this work.  Please, can we make it work?

 


I made this post private, as I didn't want my mum to read it before I had a chance to talk to her or my dad.  However, it's too important to me to just delete it, so now I'm making it public again.

Wow, alright... so I suck at the updates!

Huh.  So much stuff to talk about, it seems silly to try to find a place to start.

Last week went really well.  My supervisor and I talked pretty seriously about when I can start working weekends.  We both agreed that July 1st was a good goal date, and I'm thrilled about that.  ALL of the ladies that I work with are just incredibly awesome.  Sweet, nice, funny, caring and all that jazz.  I feel really lucky.  The ultrasound part of it is coming back to me faster than I expected it to, and learning the new procedures is going better than I thought.  I guess it's because I've had a few jobs since starting in a hospital?  Learning a new thing is learning a new thing, and once you've done it a few times, I guess it just becomes easier.

Ronan is still such a treasure.  Everyone that holds him loves him.  Everyone that spends time with him tells us how amazing he is.  Our nanny keeps telling us that she gets stopped everywhere she goes with him, being told how gorgeous he is.  We feel so lucky.  We bought him an 'exer-saucer' this weekend!  He's still a little small for it, but his strength and balance are so good!  He loves it!!  My dad calls it his 'lunar-lander'.  I think it's a little fancier than the ones they had when we were little.

Brock is out of town until Wednesday night.  It was the hardest thing in the world for him to leave yesterday.  He procrastinated his departure by nearly 3 hours, and ended up driving until after midnight.  He was so sad.  I asked him before he left if it was harder to leave me or leave Ronan.  He said, "I can TALK to you while I'm gone.  And you're not going to change while I'm not here!"  Maybe he got a little bit of the way I was feeling about going back to work.  But he'll also get to feel how exciting it is to get back home. 

So.  On to the pictures? 

"Like my ride?"



My bumbo boy.



Probably my most favorite picture so far.

I guess I didn't know that many people were reading!


So, today was my first real day.  Orientation doesn't count.  It was just sitting and listening to people talk at me about things I already know.  They were HARD days, because they were 8 hours long plus drive time. 

But the excitement of driving home, knowing I would get to see my boy?  That was pretty great.

Today was fun.  I worked one on one with the lead ultrasound tech at an outpatient facility.  Not a really great way to learn the hospital stuff, but a good chance for me and her to get some hands-on scanning done.  I have a feeling things are going to go a little quicker than I had first thought.  I hope so.  I would love to be off of training in just a few short weeks.  The nanny is working out SO well.  She is such a sweetheart.  She loves Ronan, and that makes me feel good - you take care of the people you love.  She's constantly telling me how good he is, and sweet, so easy to take care of.  It makes me miss him more, but I love knowing that she feels that way.

Can we talk about tired?  I went to bed at 8pm last night.  I was so exhausted from being up to feed Ronan at night, and getting up early to go running, plus a full day of work.  Brock is the most wonderful husband.  He made dinner, and cleaned it up.  He did laundry, and didn't make me feel bad when I went to bed so early.  I don't know what I would do without him. 

Yeah, I can do this.  One more day till the weekend.


I know it's been forever since I've had a picture of Ronan.  Let's try this instead!

Ronan laughed today!!

What an incredible thing to experience.  I thought his first smile was the most wonderful... how was I to know?  Even better, my mom and I were chatting on Skype.  I was talking about how much he loved to stand, how hard he would work to always straighten his legs.  She told me I should definitely get him a jumper, that he would love it.  Brock was standing directly above me in the loft.  I laughed, and looked at Ronan and asked him if he wanted to jump.  As I asked him, I jumped him in my lap, "Do you want to jump... Jump... JUMP?!"  The laughter just rolled out of his tummy, the grin on his face so wide.  What a joy, entirely a pure joy.  Even so much more that both Brock and my mom got to enjoy it with me.  It brought tears to our eyes. 

I imagine I will be spending a lot of time trying to elicit the next laugh.  My incredible son.  Every mother thinks their children are perfect... Ronan is just perfectly ours.



(As an aside... if you have not seen the movie "Miss Potter"... and you enjoy period-type films - it was excellent.)